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I'm kind of having this little semi crisis, but I'm keeping it all bottled up. I'm starting to feel swamped - emotionally, physically, in every way I can think and feel.
My health is starting to decline again, I know the tests I have just had and am about to have (I am still to have an MRI and tests under anesthetic) that the results wont be the best. I know I'll probably need a blood transfusion soon, I'm due for another infusion of infliximab (read mice proteins) and that I'm beginning to take sleeping tablets to sleep and night, and to not dream (I'd love some of Dumbledores dreamless sleep).
Add to this the fact that I'm working more hours as a checkout chick serving the most goddamn awful people. (a woman with 6 kids complained to me after I told her son he could not lift 6 baskets over his head from the counter taller than him to put back due to health risks for him [sueing risks for us].... she said, "Id like to see her with 6 children" - well honey I would never have six kids, and Id never let them behave the way yours does if I did).
And also uni is going back. My computer still needs reformatred, my room still needs cleared.

But, then I feel selfish feeling this way as some friends are going through some really hard times of their own - hence my bottling inside choice. I want to be there for them - Ive sent messages and emails, I know I should call. But sometimes I feel like I cant talk... my chest just constricts, and I find it hard to breathe. Im working on something special for my bestfriend... a scrapbrooking frame. Hopefully that can show what my words (or lack of talking) are failing too.

Ive just gotta suck this up and move the fuck on....


( 17 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 21st, 2007 07:47 am (UTC)
you know I'm always around if you ever need to unload *hugs*

good luck with the test results, hope they don't show anything too bad.
Feb. 21st, 2007 12:29 pm (UTC)
thanks for that *hugs back*
i think getting it out here helped. i am not really a livejournaler, but Im beginning to see the merits, and feel better for getting things out there.... just writing the words. for now, i guess thats my release

i should get results back in the start of march - shes waiting for all my tests to finish before she tells me anything
Feb. 21st, 2007 12:16 pm (UTC)
I hope you're okay, dude.
Don't just suck it up. I know you don't know me well (okay, at all), but I'm always here if you just want to talk or yell four letter words or anything.
Feb. 21st, 2007 12:31 pm (UTC)
yelling four letter words is always a help!! love doing it even when Im not upset! Lol. I feel that getting it out in my journal is helping me, I may start posting more, as I havent really posted at all in the past. So thanks for reading, and sending me messages... thats helping me heaps!

I like making net friends, some of my closest I met on MCR sites!
Feb. 21st, 2007 12:43 pm (UTC)
Four letter words and I are besties.
LJ is the best for getting things out, 'cause you can say what you want! You seem interesting (and not, you know, totally crazy or anything scary:P), so I like reading/commenting you

I met my two oldest online friends through forums for dodgy pop music. It's been...6 years now, and we choose to deny ever listening to the band:P

Feb. 21st, 2007 12:51 pm (UTC)
yeah, LJ i used just for the communities. But now I am starting to realise its true value... I met vaxwell (jess) here, so who is not to say I can meet other friends *sings* and many more *jazz hands*

lol - Id be tempted to ask the name of the band, but I shouldnt. I own a shame box of cds... bands (if you can call them that) that just should not have recorded, or did anything... boybands, "barbie" bands LOL
Feb. 21st, 2007 12:59 pm (UTC)
I use it for downloading music...I mean, um, communities and friends and blabbering.

Busted and Human Nature (I don't deny listening to them. I need to admit my shame to get over it).
Cheesy pop is the best. It's so great that my playlist goes Sunny Day Real Estate, Braid, MCR, From Autumn To Ashes....Hanson, Spice Girls and Billie Piper so you never know if you'll get bubblegum pop or...not bubblegum pop
Feb. 21st, 2007 01:09 pm (UTC)
Lol- we have the same shame band! I had all Human Natures CD's until they went on neighbours I think... first 3 I think I have anyway! ROFL.

Busted I wasnt into, but as far as I remember they didnt get big here. I grew up in UK, and know the power a boyband has - take that and PJ a& duncan (later ant & dec, later hosts of UK idol) were my faves when i was 10.

then yeah, i went into hanson. I liked music then to fit in. Although from time to time i find myslef singing weird, the "cookie cutter world" bit.

whats my others.... 5ive, aqua (obviously), taxiride, i have a 3T cd for some reason... this is making me laugh so hard!
Feb. 21st, 2007 01:25 pm (UTC)
We're shame twins! I still have my CDs (but my mother's claimed them, so if anyone asks? THEY'RE HERS).

UK! England's totally my favourite country in the world, so many awesome accents. Busted didn't actually release any albums here, and it is total dedication to download the albums on 56k dialup.

I didn't like Hanson when they were super popular (I was too young and hello, boy germs), but now? I'd kill to see them live. And get sad that they're OLD now.

I have an autographed Taxiride single! Also...B*Witched, Joanne, those dodgy male singers that all looked and sounded the same...
Feb. 21st, 2007 01:39 pm (UTC)
ha ha ha @ shame twins. I like that. I still have my CD's under my bed. I am going to be giving my room an overaul this week (im a hoarder and have too much stuff) - the question will be do they stay or do they go now (lol)
I grew up in scotland. its cooler than england! ROFL. most people do like in england, and most bands come from there, but scottish people still rock more, and we have kilts!

Boy germs. ROFL. I was 13-14 when i listened to them which meant i should have liked taylor who was my age equivalent, but i preferred 11 yo Zac! ROFL

Autographed taxiride single? awesome! theyre not so much shame as the others. i have an autograoghed aaron carter single... candy... and its on TAPE, not cd... how bad is that. I met the little shit in hospital. i was stuck there, he was visiting wards, so I met him. He was about 13 and refused to talk to patients, instead talking to his mum (whispered) who maybe said something to us, then they moved on. It was like he thought that if he talked to us he would catch something. Such a little shit.
Feb. 21st, 2007 01:46 pm (UTC)
Keep them! What else are you meant to karaoke to? You don't wanna kill a really good song.

My year 7 friend's mum was Scottish and she had the raddest accent. It'd be fun to just listen to her talk and she'd give me free stuff in the canteen.

Zac > Taylor, totally. Taylor was overrated, and far too old for me.

At least they're Aussie shame, and they play their own instruments.
Ew, Aaron Carter. I would've purposely coughed on him as he went past just to annoy him/scare him, but I'm a terrible person. Or asked him why they want to torture already sick people with HIM. Sheesh.
Feb. 21st, 2007 01:57 pm (UTC)
how could i forget karaoke fun?

scottish accents are rad. i like welsh best... they are so sing song and lyrical. they're amazing.

the funny thing with aaron carter was he had a group of sick girls (many having infusions therefore wheeling the machine with them) following him everywhere he went. so funny. after he left, i imitated his "im such a cool tough guy" walk for the benefit of other patients in my section of the ward, much to everyones amusement. I should have coughed on him... I didnt think of anything so genius at the time, drats.
Feb. 22nd, 2007 09:12 am (UTC)
It's terrible! Poor karaoke.

Welsh accents are rad...but I still want subtitles on my Funeral for a Friend dvd. Maybe they were a bit tipsy, though, which made them slightly hard to understand (read: WHAT? I can make out about half of it)

Was he freaking out? And I'd pay to see that impersonation.
Have no regrets:P. He's a nobody now and you're rad.
Feb. 22nd, 2007 10:37 am (UTC)
Ha ha ha, no one u nderstands a drunk welshman, not even his missus! LOL. FFAF, keep singing, I can understand you then!

Aaron carter thought it was cool that he had a girl posse or girls who loved him so much. But he kept well clear of them - they were still sick kids after all.

Wow? Im rad *blushes* - if im rad, you must be simply amazing!!
Feb. 22nd, 2007 10:43 am (UTC)
Let alone poor Australians watching the dvd! Yeah, if they sang everything...it'd be fine. Til then, subtitles, boys!

Eww, typical teenage male in that case. You know he went home and whinged about OMG CONTAGIOUS ('Cause everything is contagious. Totally. Even the things that AREN'T!).

You're very rad!

I'm not amazing, I just pretend to be:P
Feb. 22nd, 2007 11:08 am (UTC)
Subtitles are great. But I remember watching a tv show on ABC and being really offended at having the scottish actors subtitled. I shouted at the television a lot, as thats the smart and sane thing to do in such a situation.

Typical boys... sheesh, I want an extraordinary one. One who is abnormal like me.

Now im very rad *goes very red* - you cannot be pretending to be amazing, there must be something there to back it up, some coolness pushing the amazingness to the surface
Feb. 22nd, 2007 11:34 am (UTC)
Scottish accents are fine. At least Scottish accents don't leave out half the letters, unlike some of the English ones. I mean, subtitle the hardcore american ones first!

I want a custom designed boy. No off the rack types for ME.

Yes, very rad!
Awww, I look like i'm pretending to be a lobster now! And not just 'cause i'm sunburnt!
( 17 comments — Leave a comment )


turk and jd
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